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this will be the only blog i use! you don't have to check any of my past ones xD
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Belonging
So, after watching Wicked, and going through the Cotillion, i realized how important belonging is to me.
Ever since I was a kid, I was always seen as "Andrew's Brother" I never had my own niche. In middle school, everyone made fun of me because i was small, and asian. No one really liked me, though I did have a few close friends. I just... didn't belong. I came from a different world, everyone was white, or grew up in a privileged family. I mean, it hurts to be outcast, and really have no one to go to, right? I always wanted to be cool, to be part of the crowd... for people to know my name, for people to invite me places, to want to hang out with me, talk to me, and just enjoy their time with me. But it never happened back then. I guess that's why I try to be welcoming to everyone? And Wicked, it's kind of based on that kind of theme, not judging people, and seeing the good in everyone. it's hard. anywho,
during the cotillion, i guess it was a good experience for me because i felt like i was part of something bigger than myself. Like, i was never good enough to have any real importance on any sports team, or any organization where i felt appreciated until now. Like, I felt everyone accepted me, and liked me, and appreciated me! i mean i feel that way a little more in van nghe now, but this was the first time someone actually wanted me to be a part of something important, that i cared about, you know? anywho, i hope this satisfies francis. ;D
i guess my biggest fear is that i won't belong, which is why i kind of molded my life around being someone who everyone likes, and I don't like it when people don't like me... you know? and i guess i try to make everyone happy. haha. oh well.
Ever since I was a kid, I was always seen as "Andrew's Brother" I never had my own niche. In middle school, everyone made fun of me because i was small, and asian. No one really liked me, though I did have a few close friends. I just... didn't belong. I came from a different world, everyone was white, or grew up in a privileged family. I mean, it hurts to be outcast, and really have no one to go to, right? I always wanted to be cool, to be part of the crowd... for people to know my name, for people to invite me places, to want to hang out with me, talk to me, and just enjoy their time with me. But it never happened back then. I guess that's why I try to be welcoming to everyone? And Wicked, it's kind of based on that kind of theme, not judging people, and seeing the good in everyone. it's hard. anywho,
during the cotillion, i guess it was a good experience for me because i felt like i was part of something bigger than myself. Like, i was never good enough to have any real importance on any sports team, or any organization where i felt appreciated until now. Like, I felt everyone accepted me, and liked me, and appreciated me! i mean i feel that way a little more in van nghe now, but this was the first time someone actually wanted me to be a part of something important, that i cared about, you know? anywho, i hope this satisfies francis. ;D
i guess my biggest fear is that i won't belong, which is why i kind of molded my life around being someone who everyone likes, and I don't like it when people don't like me... you know? and i guess i try to make everyone happy. haha. oh well.
Friday, July 10, 2009
fuck
i hate how they always make me feel guilty. they expect me to schedule my life around them. it would be nice for some advance notice. it's like conflicting between duties. I'm big on responsibility, and htey always have to fuck everything up and make me think its my fault. fuck this shit.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Defying Gravity
I'm Defying Gravity. And You Can't Pull Me Down.
Wicked
You should never judge a book by its cover right, because there's so much more to a book than it's cover. A lot can be said for friendship. I wish that I could have a friend like that? It's like the issue of taking care of everybody, but having no one to take care of you? Or not letting people take care of you I guess. Rantrantrant that doesn't make sense. Wicked was really nice :)! You can't rely on other people's experiences. The summation of your decisions and your life can only be determined by your own actions, choices, and experiences. No one can choose anything for you. They can only make you think they can.
Wicked
You should never judge a book by its cover right, because there's so much more to a book than it's cover. A lot can be said for friendship. I wish that I could have a friend like that? It's like the issue of taking care of everybody, but having no one to take care of you? Or not letting people take care of you I guess. Rantrantrant that doesn't make sense. Wicked was really nice :)! You can't rely on other people's experiences. The summation of your decisions and your life can only be determined by your own actions, choices, and experiences. No one can choose anything for you. They can only make you think they can.
Monday, June 29, 2009
"Good Job Singing"
I have always believed that when one becomes inspired, they can do great things. I also believe that to inspire someone takes genuine heart, passion, and an outlook on life that allows others to feel comfortable within themselves. My dream is to become an inspiration. To inspire anyone is worth the trouble to do it, because it can set up a chain of reactions that will lead to a powerful force, MLK or Gandhi are good examples.
A while back, I went on a retreat called JAC 62, the Junior Apostolates for Christ. This was one of my first retreats, I can barely remember it, and I don't remember when it was. Andy's dad just took me and my bro (and andy) down to san francisco for a retreat. I didn't even know what a retreat was. The retreat was run by almost all Filipinos (foreshadowing of my life maybe?), and was one of the life changing moments of my life. From then on, i wanted to live, laugh, sing and dance as hard and as loud as all those people there. You could say that that was the moment in my life where I would change and start breaking out of my shell, (though many other events also sparked this movement). I remember only 2 persons from JAC clearly, one was Mia, i only remember her because i had a cush on her. The other was Sister Zahra. I remember that how I was so quiet then, I didn't want to do anything, i mean, I had never been outside my comfort zone before. When we were singing, they were trying to motivate us, I wasn't a singer. But sister Zahra said "Good Job Singing, Brother Matt!". Forever changed. If you guys know me, you know how i love to sing. And all started from a simple compliment. Her and I weren't close, (i wasn't really close to anyone in JAC, I was young) but her words are forever in my memory. I just found out that she died yesterday. (she was like 20 something). I guess in death, I remember the inspiration she gave me, and it motivates me. Any small words can lead to something big, life changing. I don't know what I would do if i didn't sing, (probably be lame and learn to jerk) but I do know that she set my feet onto the path, opened my horizons, and helped me to grow into full expression of myself, as I want to inspire others to do. If anything, to everyone out there, "Good Job Singing" doesn't mean you are singing well. To me, it means that you're doing a good job just for singing, and throwing your heart and pride out there. Expressing yourself, and sharing yourself with others.
RIP Sister Zahra Era
Brother Matt JAC 62
A while back, I went on a retreat called JAC 62, the Junior Apostolates for Christ. This was one of my first retreats, I can barely remember it, and I don't remember when it was. Andy's dad just took me and my bro (and andy) down to san francisco for a retreat. I didn't even know what a retreat was. The retreat was run by almost all Filipinos (foreshadowing of my life maybe?), and was one of the life changing moments of my life. From then on, i wanted to live, laugh, sing and dance as hard and as loud as all those people there. You could say that that was the moment in my life where I would change and start breaking out of my shell, (though many other events also sparked this movement). I remember only 2 persons from JAC clearly, one was Mia, i only remember her because i had a cush on her. The other was Sister Zahra. I remember that how I was so quiet then, I didn't want to do anything, i mean, I had never been outside my comfort zone before. When we were singing, they were trying to motivate us, I wasn't a singer. But sister Zahra said "Good Job Singing, Brother Matt!". Forever changed. If you guys know me, you know how i love to sing. And all started from a simple compliment. Her and I weren't close, (i wasn't really close to anyone in JAC, I was young) but her words are forever in my memory. I just found out that she died yesterday. (she was like 20 something). I guess in death, I remember the inspiration she gave me, and it motivates me. Any small words can lead to something big, life changing. I don't know what I would do if i didn't sing, (probably be lame and learn to jerk) but I do know that she set my feet onto the path, opened my horizons, and helped me to grow into full expression of myself, as I want to inspire others to do. If anything, to everyone out there, "Good Job Singing" doesn't mean you are singing well. To me, it means that you're doing a good job just for singing, and throwing your heart and pride out there. Expressing yourself, and sharing yourself with others.
RIP Sister Zahra Era
Brother Matt JAC 62
HAP-E-NEST
I GOT A NEW LAPTOP! I NOTICED THAT THE SPACEBAR ISN"T THATRESPONSIVE< SO SOMETIMES I HAVEWORDS CLOSE TOGETHER :(!
but it's nice! well, its an improvement over my old one (no CD drive fails)! and i like getting new things.
I guess when i get something new, it's open, its fresh. It's like something i can explore, and customize to make it my own. Something that i'll grow with, and become attached with. and it's shiny. :)! i like new things, haha. I'm naturally curious, so i like figuring things out and finding things out! partially why i like to get to know people and stuffs. :)
i'm sick, and tired, but i'm kinda happy with how i did even though i felt like shit all weekend xD
but it's nice! well, its an improvement over my old one (no CD drive fails)! and i like getting new things.
I guess when i get something new, it's open, its fresh. It's like something i can explore, and customize to make it my own. Something that i'll grow with, and become attached with. and it's shiny. :)! i like new things, haha. I'm naturally curious, so i like figuring things out and finding things out! partially why i like to get to know people and stuffs. :)
i'm sick, and tired, but i'm kinda happy with how i did even though i felt like shit all weekend xD
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Can't think of a title.
I got a feeling. That my life's going to be pretty good! optimism is always important to me, even when things are down in the dumps, i always pick myself up. I think part of it is that, i can rely on people. I think right now, my favorites are _________________,_______________, and _____________. haha! Thom Merrilin is one. Matrim Cauthon is another one, and the Rose of the Sun. I feel a strong connection with the Charging Boar, who has so much potential. We'll see how that plays out. TOO LAZY. failblog ;]
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