Sometimes I kind of question my existence. why?

here is for all you readers out there who still read.

i wonder if i'm some kind of inhuman creature.
why? because i don't have empathy. I don't care about others. I honestly think that I could be fine without other people for a looong time. I just don't care that much about how other people are feeling. It's like i'm motivated by my want to be a good person more than the fact that i'm actually a good person. it's like, i'm not attached to anything. Maybe i'm afraid? but it's at a level where i'm doing it instinctually. I guess the reason i'm pursuing relationships is that I want to find someone who can make me feel so strongly for them that it actually hurts me when they go. Another way to see it is that i live my life just for attention. everything i do, i want to be appreciated for it. Maybe because i didn't get shit from my parents as a kid, hahah. People always ask me why i can be so optimistic? it's because nothing really affects me, i just get over it quickly. it sounds kinda bad, but sometimes i wish i could experience a loss just to see what its like. i haven't cried out of sadness in like 4-5 years.... that's why i always try to find movies that make me cry. xD i kinda feel undeserving i guess, of being loved, or anything like that. Like how everyone feels sad, or depressed, but i don't really get that for very long? maybe i'm just not the emotional type. Like how it's sad that i can't keep in contact with people unless i'm around them a lot? it's probably because i don't care, well that sounds harsh, but i could live without them, you know? and like if i do try to keep contact with someone, then they're important, haha. i just want to find someone that i enjoy talking to so much, and click so well with that i'd actually want to talk to them regularly. I DUNNO TBC.