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this will be the only blog i use! you don't have to check any of my past ones xD

Belonging

So, after watching Wicked, and going through the Cotillion, i realized how important belonging is to me.

Ever since I was a kid, I was always seen as "Andrew's Brother" I never had my own niche. In middle school, everyone made fun of me because i was small, and asian. No one really liked me, though I did have a few close friends. I just... didn't belong. I came from a different world, everyone was white, or grew up in a privileged family. I mean, it hurts to be outcast, and really have no one to go to, right? I always wanted to be cool, to be part of the crowd... for people to know my name, for people to invite me places, to want to hang out with me, talk to me, and just enjoy their time with me. But it never happened back then. I guess that's why I try to be welcoming to everyone? And Wicked, it's kind of based on that kind of theme, not judging people, and seeing the good in everyone. it's hard. anywho,

during the cotillion, i guess it was a good experience for me because i felt like i was part of something bigger than myself. Like, i was never good enough to have any real importance on any sports team, or any organization where i felt appreciated until now. Like, I felt everyone accepted me, and liked me, and appreciated me! i mean i feel that way a little more in van nghe now, but this was the first time someone actually wanted me to be a part of something important, that i cared about, you know? anywho, i hope this satisfies francis. ;D

i guess my biggest fear is that i won't belong, which is why i kind of molded my life around being someone who everyone likes, and I don't like it when people don't like me... you know? and i guess i try to make everyone happy. haha. oh well.

fuck

i hate how they always make me feel guilty. they expect me to schedule my life around them. it would be nice for some advance notice. it's like conflicting between duties. I'm big on responsibility, and htey always have to fuck everything up and make me think its my fault. fuck this shit.

Defying Gravity

I'm Defying Gravity. And You Can't Pull Me Down.

Wicked
You should never judge a book by its cover right, because there's so much more to a book than it's cover. A lot can be said for friendship. I wish that I could have a friend like that? It's like the issue of taking care of everybody, but having no one to take care of you? Or not letting people take care of you I guess. Rantrantrant that doesn't make sense. Wicked was really nice :)! You can't rely on other people's experiences. The summation of your decisions and your life can only be determined by your own actions, choices, and experiences. No one can choose anything for you. They can only make you think they can.

"Good Job Singing"

I have always believed that when one becomes inspired, they can do great things. I also believe that to inspire someone takes genuine heart, passion, and an outlook on life that allows others to feel comfortable within themselves. My dream is to become an inspiration. To inspire anyone is worth the trouble to do it, because it can set up a chain of reactions that will lead to a powerful force, MLK or Gandhi are good examples.

A while back, I went on a retreat called JAC 62, the Junior Apostolates for Christ. This was one of my first retreats, I can barely remember it, and I don't remember when it was. Andy's dad just took me and my bro (and andy) down to san francisco for a retreat. I didn't even know what a retreat was. The retreat was run by almost all Filipinos (foreshadowing of my life maybe?), and was one of the life changing moments of my life. From then on, i wanted to live, laugh, sing and dance as hard and as loud as all those people there. You could say that that was the moment in my life where I would change and start breaking out of my shell, (though many other events also sparked this movement). I remember only 2 persons from JAC clearly, one was Mia, i only remember her because i had a cush on her. The other was Sister Zahra. I remember that how I was so quiet then, I didn't want to do anything, i mean, I had never been outside my comfort zone before. When we were singing, they were trying to motivate us, I wasn't a singer. But sister Zahra said "Good Job Singing, Brother Matt!". Forever changed. If you guys know me, you know how i love to sing. And all started from a simple compliment. Her and I weren't close, (i wasn't really close to anyone in JAC, I was young) but her words are forever in my memory. I just found out that she died yesterday. (she was like 20 something). I guess in death, I remember the inspiration she gave me, and it motivates me. Any small words can lead to something big, life changing. I don't know what I would do if i didn't sing, (probably be lame and learn to jerk) but I do know that she set my feet onto the path, opened my horizons, and helped me to grow into full expression of myself, as I want to inspire others to do. If anything, to everyone out there, "Good Job Singing" doesn't mean you are singing well. To me, it means that you're doing a good job just for singing, and throwing your heart and pride out there. Expressing yourself, and sharing yourself with others.

RIP Sister Zahra Era

Brother Matt JAC 62

HAP-E-NEST

I GOT A NEW LAPTOP! I NOTICED THAT THE SPACEBAR ISN"T THATRESPONSIVE< SO SOMETIMES I HAVEWORDS CLOSE TOGETHER :(!

but it's nice! well, its an improvement over my old one (no CD drive fails)! and i like getting new things.

I guess when i get something new, it's open, its fresh. It's like something i can explore, and customize to make it my own. Something that i'll grow with, and become attached with. and it's shiny. :)! i like new things, haha. I'm naturally curious, so i like figuring things out and finding things out! partially why i like to get to know people and stuffs. :)

i'm sick, and tired, but i'm kinda happy with how i did even though i felt like shit all weekend xD

Can't think of a title.

I got a feeling. That my life's going to be pretty good! optimism is always important to me, even when things are down in the dumps, i always pick myself up. I think part of it is that, i can rely on people. I think right now, my favorites are _________________,_______________, and _____________. haha! Thom Merrilin is one. Matrim Cauthon is another one, and the Rose of the Sun. I feel a strong connection with the Charging Boar, who has so much potential. We'll see how that plays out. TOO LAZY. failblog ;]

Balance and Business

So, there's so many things I want to do. From the way it looks like it now, this is how my monday's and wednesday's are.

Monday
8:15-10:35 Intro Jazz, Evergreen Valley College
1 or 2 until 2:30 Cotillion Practice
3-4:40 Intro Hip Hop, De Anza
5:10-7:00 Intro Ballet, De Anza
7:30-9:10 Intro Contemporary, De Anza

9:20-10:30 Bus home

wow.

Wednesday is basically monday without cotillion practice... so i have to take the bus to de anza (about 2 hours) xD

i mean, i love dance, it's just crowded. and with VYC and Jamboree coming up, i'm going ot end up royally owned in the face! not to mention the cotillion... i wonder if taking all these dance classes will make me overcommitted. anywho, thursdays are still my free day (currently taken by swords) so i guess that'll be when i hang out. I wonder if people don't invite me to things because i'm busy? that makes me sad. Like, i always try to make people happy and stuff, which makes it hard... it kind of makes me feel left out when i'm not invited to do something, you know? i guess everyone feels that way. Life is fun though, if a bit intense. x] It's just i feel left out sometimes, i wanted to not take any dance classes, and hang out with my friends more? but it's like, when van nghe goes on hiatus, i'll have so much more time! xD so i just need to live through like 4 more weeks, hhaaha. it's just like ugh. xD hopefully dance classes are really fun! :D! and worth it. I liked the idea of bussing so i could go wherver i wanted when i wanted. but i guess i don't have to waste lots of time on public transporation. x]]

oh well, i'm too busy, harharhar. night all! maybe update later.

People

Blogging before my computer turns off!

Tomorrow, dance class starts. I'm nervous! :)! but excited. I really try to force myself to try new things. And I think I'm doing alright! Van Nghe today was kind of disappointing, but I didn't let it get to me. I figure that when they have real drums in front of them, they'll just get the energy back! And just by being energetic, I hope that I can bring up the energy level of the other members too! I want to get to know Frere better. He's one of the people that have inspired me the most, but I don't know him on a personal level. He's definitely one of the leaders I aspire to be like, in humility and charisma. And well, I think I will miss these times right now. I mean, I better make them fun-filled, right? :)! I think that I'm going to study something about social justice or international studies. I really want to make a difference. Like. A real difference. does anybody remember my idea about atrocityawareness.com ? I want to make a website where I can put all the wrong things happening in the world on it, so people know what's up! and i want to help people. By raising money, going to do service, and all the stuff! it doesn't matter who, just help someone. To do that, i need to get educated, and get the leadership skills and drive to really start living my life for others. Hopefully I'll still want to do this in 10 minutes. Maybe I'm growing up. I lost my chain of thought, OH YEAH good job title.. xD I've been thinking a lot about people. I always thought that its sad when people die because, everyone has a friend or famimly that will be sad if that person dies, no matter who they are. And well, perspectively, everybody has feelings, and emotions, so shouldn't we treat everyone with respect? I'm going to pay special attention to how other people feel around me, and if i'm wasting away their life by being mean to them. I want to keep in mind that everyone has their own story, their own dreams, perspectives, and input, and they can truly change and become a better person if someone is kind to them. A lesson learned from Hoang. One small decision can be a big decision in disguise. :)!

"Open Up My Eyes and,
Open Up My Mind and,
I wonder, how life
will surprise me today."
-A Beautiful Day, India Arie.

problem solved

okay, anthony said the viet class is basic and it sucks, therefore, i'm taking hip hop! :D!

xD xD if i get in, i'm waitlisted. :(!

VOTING TIME!

OKAY! HERE"S THE DEAL, I NEED EVERYONE'S OPINION ON THIS!

I can take. 2 courses.

Introduction to Hip Hop! class is 3:30 - 4:40 TTH
which is a really interesting class! but i can always take it in college!

OR

Viet 1 2:30-7:10 MTWTH

I want to take Viet because my vietnamese suxx, but the problem is that class is monday-thursday, which means i have to miss cotillion practice!(on monday) (i'm the escort, so that would be epic fails.) and! there's no vietnamese offered at davis. (yeah i know, wtf?)

SO WHICH SHOULD I TAKE? VOTE NOWZZZ BY COMMENT! :D!

Life is a Journey

So today, i got criticized. I wasn't too happy about it, but i also didn't take it as seriously as i normally do. Partially because the way it was presented didn't really make me want to listen to it. But i will! :D! maybe i am immature, i can grow, right? life is a journey, what's the rush. Anyways, I am lazy, and I am working on it. So don't judge me please. (i've decided to censor this blog a little bit so people don't get mad at me... x]) so, i forgot what i realized about myself today, i guess it wasn't that important. x] anywho, i'm reading someone else's blogs, and I kind of find myself thinking snide comments and mean thoughts in my head. I think its because i'm jealous, haha. I need to chilllll and just take things as they come! i'm proud of the people that came to the Moving On Ceremony Planning Meeting Today! I think i did a good job leading! :)! hopefully i can grow as a leader. I'm looking forward to doing that leadership blog with anthony. :D! anyways, i really like inspiring patrick, because he listens to me! hahah, and well, he seems like he wants to learn and grow. Sure, he makes lots of mistakes (sorry, it's true :P) but he tries to do the right thing, and learn from them. The one thing that sets him apart from the other people is that he has an open mind to try anything, and is willing to accept the blame. I guess his fault (like mine) is that he feels guilty for everything, but that will just open him up to improvement, right? Hopefully he can find people to let him know when its not his fault, and that he's doing a good job of living his life on his terms. (GOOD JOB PAT!) i guess i don't want to dissapoint andrew brian either, eh? but still going to do it because i want to, i'm tired of living life the way other people want me to, haha. :P! and i'm glad i got to know the other swordies better! :D!

so, Life is journey. Not a destination. And it's been a pretty good journey so far! :D! (well today was anyways.) it's nice to know that people are interested in what i have to say. x]]

"Let's Do It, Let's Live It Up"

So, after friending people, they would be wondering why i have this blog! well, this blog is my more personal blog, which was kind of an alternative to the other one (which is why i never blogged on the other one) but now i'm just having one all purpose blog! tired of hiding things, i suppose. Not everything read on here will be pleasant or interesting, but who caters to other people nowadays? ;D

anyways, that's my explanation. x]

anyways, I've been listening to I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas. Really good song. haha
I found that I really like to blog late at night, maybe because that's when I'm the most tired and my mind isn't as willing to protect itself as it normally is, who knows? Anyways, I've been reading the book "21 Irrefutable Qualities of a Leader" or something like that. Which Anthony lent me! He's one of my mentors. More on that later. :)! I think i'm going to be blogging about a the chapters here, as subject matter (have i posted something like that already?)
NEW TECHNIQUE! WALL OF TEXT! as jordan put it. I follow no rules, so i'm going to use his name again ^____^! i'm jealous of francis for getting his own car. but if anyone deserves it, he does, right? :D! So, i'm trying to work on having less expectations with for everyone. I was really dissapointed with the Van Nghe kids on sunday. Everyone is just so lazy. However, I blame the leaders. It seems in general, the leaders are unreliable, apathetic, and just plain lazy. They all set bad examples of work ethic and effort. If i had lazy leaders, i would be lazy too. To be honest, i feel like i'm one of the few that try to work to get people motivated and into the drum, and i feel like i get shit respect for it. No one listens to me because i've always been made fun of. And when I'm serious, people still make fun of me... but i'm not going to let that happen anymore. Anyone who thinks its easy to teach people can give it a shot if they want, all i want is a little respect, please. I hate it when other leaders use fear to motivate the group, and i'm trying to be nice, but i get taken advantage of. I guess that's another thing i need to work on as a leader, which is motivating people. Anthony gave me some good ideas, i should try them out. I ave too much pride to do other people's ideas, but i'll jsut force myself to. xD anyways, i'll keep trying in van nghe, and if people disrespect me, then i'll just have to see when it happens. I think i've worked hard and for a while to get my spot in van nghe right now, and i deserve at least a little respect for that. Jai Ho, fasho. VSU, we're planning for summer end dealie tomorrow, i don't think very many people are coming. It's not that they're all b usy or stuff, (well to be fair some are) but i think a lot of them would rather have other things to do. which is okay! i'll just show the people that i do have at my house a fun time! which hopefully motivates them to come back! and have fun and stuff! :)! i'm trying to use fun meetings as a way to get people motivated to come more. Leads to portion of passion in the leadership book. I don't know what my calling is yet. I mean, i want to do something where I can become a great leader! one part where i'm lacking is that i'm selfish still, i want people to appreciate me, and that's why i want to lead, to prove myself, and to get people to appreicate me. Only in van nghe and vsu did i really want to pass something on, and make others better. That's why i really want to start training vsu leaders. I think that using the summer show as a training method is a good idea, but i think we should have training sessions, and use the summer show as an application of that training. I don't believe in just letting them waddle around in the dark and just get f*cked up. we won't be there to fix the whole show in 5 minutes next year (although francis is a g in that aspect) I think i'm going to do training sessions. But what should i do? i want to buy the 21 irrefutable laws of leadership, and go off that 7 sessions of 3 laws each, haha. And i'll think of things to keep them busy. I want the club to be stronger, not just die like everyone thinks it will. anywho, those are my rants for today. x]] thanks for reading (if you did) :D! i'm proud of my agenda for the meeting. x]]

Blogging

From here on out, I shoot without a script.

haha. ;D rent references. From now on, this blog is open to everyone, so you guys don't have to keep it a secret or whatever anymore, anyone is welcome to read it, and bear with the consequences of doing so. But, i don't flame or bash people on here that much, so it shouldn't be a problem. However, I will start being a lot more honest, and try to blog more.

so the reason why i want to blog sort of is to impress people with the eloquence of my words... but i'm not really good at that. Instead, I will use blogging as a way to practice my rhetoric/writing skills, and at the same time practice expressing myself, because i feel like i hold a lot in.

Why do I not blog more often? Partially because I'm lazy, and partially because I just don't feel the need to express myself on a blog. And like, I guess it's hard fo rme to express what I"m thinking in my head and put it down on paper, because it tends to come out more as emotions than actual words. So, that brings me back to my problem with expressing myself, eh? x] hopefully things will turn up. I feel like I still have a lot of personal growth left to do, and i'm trying to push myself towards that. I've been reading this book about leadership (which is really good). I think i might use it as a tool to give me subject matter to blog about, and maybe help me open up and express how i feel about myself and others around me. I feel selfish, because everything that i do is for selfish reasons. I guess it's part of why being unselfish is so hard because you have to go against what you want for others. Which relates to how courage is useless if there is no fear (book reference) I guess i'll blog later about the traits. Like, to be honest, i wish i could be more like francis. He can express himself easily, doesn't seem to have the empathy issues i have, and has a great work ethic. I probably am hyping him up and not seeing his faults in my head, but all around, he's just a good guy. I agree with jordan about being jealous of francis and lowell for their skill with writing in an engaging way. I guess about half the people that read this will be bored or stop reading by the time they get to this statement. I should make this funnier. :P YAY CAPS EXCITING WOOT!!! now go read the last like 5 lines you skipped. ;D

hooray for growth of self expression and unselfishness and courage and all the fun stuff. ON another note, i'm really happy that I got to play basketball with FED people, just seeing them outside of practice makes me feel more like a part of the team, since i was kind of sheltered by anthony its hard to fit in. x]] I really hope i have more fun this summer and work to get money! I don't know what i should spend it on yet, but i know it'll be somehthing useful. I need to start working on more piano because i suck, and i want to improve on guitar because i want to beat out everyone else in college! :D! i'm really comptetitive. My life has constantly been a struggle: who i am against who i want to be. I get lazy, which is probably my biggest vice. I need to build discipline, which i'm glad that FEDs has been helping me with. I need to create a routine to do everyday without fail. I think i might go night running. I NEED TO BUY SHOES! and keep up with my leadership journal, which i will transpose onto here with my thoughts on the matter. I need to work on empowering people more, seeing everyone as a "10" and i want to go buy more leadership books. x]] and, i guess i feel really lonely lately. No one really gets me? like today when i was at home before catan, i just felt like...lame. Maybe because i haven't had a deep conversation with anyone about myself for a long time. But that's just because i don't want to... we'll see how college goes. I'm excited for that! and to become a better leader... struggling to live humbly.

"Action creates Habit, Habit creates Character, Character shapes your Destiny."

Attempt at Humility,
Matt

Fail

So, i realized that my tendencies in life are pretty rhythmic.

i coast along, with virtually no drama, and then i accidentally make a mistake and hurt someone, just because i don't tell them how i truly feel when something is really bothering me. Or when its bothering someone else, i just keep it inside because i'm too scared of people hurting me, or too scared that people will be mad at me. I try to protect people, but the only time i really tell them what's up is when i have to. The truth is, i'm weak. And i try to over come it, and only when i make these slips that really hurt someone else am i forced to confront whatever it is i'm dealing with. i mean on one hand, it kinda sucks i keep slipping, and on the other hand, i keep having these hidden judgments about people, which is bad too, right? i mean i haven't been fair to hai, i don't try to listen to his side of the story, but i'm scared to tell him the honest truth, because i don't want him to get hurt by it, and kill himself, but if i don't, it hurts everyone else, and he doesn't grow from it. "Love is the will to extend oneself for one's or another's spiritual growth, right?" so, i mean does this mean i love hai because i want to tell him what's up? i dunno, i've been forced into it by what i've said, but still, i'm going into this not even knowing his side of the story, which isn't fair.

if you still read this, leave a comment.

Sometimes I kind of question my existence. why?

here is for all you readers out there who still read.

i wonder if i'm some kind of inhuman creature.
why? because i don't have empathy. I don't care about others. I honestly think that I could be fine without other people for a looong time. I just don't care that much about how other people are feeling. It's like i'm motivated by my want to be a good person more than the fact that i'm actually a good person. it's like, i'm not attached to anything. Maybe i'm afraid? but it's at a level where i'm doing it instinctually. I guess the reason i'm pursuing relationships is that I want to find someone who can make me feel so strongly for them that it actually hurts me when they go. Another way to see it is that i live my life just for attention. everything i do, i want to be appreciated for it. Maybe because i didn't get shit from my parents as a kid, hahah. People always ask me why i can be so optimistic? it's because nothing really affects me, i just get over it quickly. it sounds kinda bad, but sometimes i wish i could experience a loss just to see what its like. i haven't cried out of sadness in like 4-5 years.... that's why i always try to find movies that make me cry. xD i kinda feel undeserving i guess, of being loved, or anything like that. Like how everyone feels sad, or depressed, but i don't really get that for very long? maybe i'm just not the emotional type. Like how it's sad that i can't keep in contact with people unless i'm around them a lot? it's probably because i don't care, well that sounds harsh, but i could live without them, you know? and like if i do try to keep contact with someone, then they're important, haha. i just want to find someone that i enjoy talking to so much, and click so well with that i'd actually want to talk to them regularly. I DUNNO TBC.

Friendship

2. So, the question of the moment is, "Why did you ask PATRICK to do the talk on friendship?"
WHY!? BECAUSE I WANT TO BITCHES. YOU GUYS DON"T GET A SAY! JK. :)!
okay lazy, will do this later. x]

Moving On

Attempt at eloquence in writing.

So, I've been listening to the Such Great Heights Cover by AJ Rafael and Jess Delgado. So good! x]]
Anyways, today I was looking through facebook, since I can now. And I was going around, when I stumbled upon one of my friends from middle school, Samantha Jackson. Interestingly, me and her weren't particularly close in middle school, but I ended up looking through her pictures (stalker, much?) and it made me kind of think. About how I don't really keep in contact with her (or any other of my middle school friends) anymore. Kind of depressing, cuz, I've had this block about keepipng in contact with people. I guess it's just that i'm independent? or perhaps my deep rooted inability to really care about what other people are doing ^____^;. I think i'm just too lazy or don't care enough about people to talk to them. So! if I im you or call you or something, it's me putting out an effort. haha. But at the same time, I feel like I'm going to miss all the bonds that I've created in the last year while at Bellarmine. Kinda funky that things don't turn up until it's the end right? I guess that's just how it is. But i wonder if I'll be keeping in touch with everyone i met this year. It makes me sad thinking about it. The memories, but what I think really gets me is the acceptance. I mean, all my life, especially middle school and the early years at Bellarmine, I never really fit in anywhere. Middle school, I was asian... xD not that it matters right? No one really looks at you the same way. Part of the reason why I'm hesitant to pick LMU. And I guess fear really held me back in high school, I just didn't fit in. But now that I do find people that accept me, and do ask me to hang out, it's kind of like i'm leaving too soon. I mean, I like to explore, but it still is nice to have somewhere to go back to. Anywho, I lost my train of thought. x] Oh wait found it! (So much for eloquence, right?) anyways, I think part of the reason that I'm not really into Van Nghe anymore is because of the fact that I never hang out with them anymore. I mean, they always go out together, but i'm never invited. so, it kinda sucks, you know? And why I like Lowell so much? He always includes me. haha! anyways, I have to keep that in mind when I do things, right? :D!

What I learned from Scrubs today: Go the Extra Mile, and It'll be worth it.
Be Honest, and things'll work out.

Dream

So i'm sick. And i realized that i want my significant other to be able to take care of me, since i'm so independent... xD too lazy to explain.

anyways, i had this dream.
I went to ND (to ask Candianne to Prom) and then I met this girl Katherine. And so, I was like o_o so we talked abotu Prom and about Candianne, and then I end up going something like, "Well, do YOU want to go to prom with me?" and she said yes! but the bad part was, I realized that i still wanted to ask Candianne, so i was like UHHH! and then I want to go talk to Katherine, and she was like, "I don't think its a good idea for us to go together" because she knew that someone else wanted me to ask them (I remember thinking it was Candianne). So then, we all go to the pool, and i'm swimmming along with everyone in VSU and FSA, (don't remember specifics) and then I go up to Candianne and hug her (in the pool) and i go, Candianne, will you go to prom with me? and she pushes me away and says "No. Go Away, Jerk!" yeah...burn, right... :(! then i woke up, but i thought it was real still! so i felt really shitty. then i fell back asleep and i get a text message from Nick Nguyen going, "Man, everyone at ND thinks you're a jerk" or something like that. xD

So that dream totally compounded my insecurities... But i'm glad it was a dream. O_O! talk about epic sad dream. xD

Hohum

Nothing super eventful happened today, except I replied back to all my e-mails! yay!
need to call John about lan heads tomorrow, and need to call linh about prom stuff...
NEED to find someone to ask to prom!
need to bring up grades!
hardworkhardworkhardworkhardwork

ROCKLEE WILL BEAT NEJI! >:O!!!!!!

it's only when you have something to prove, do you excel. ;D!

someteengs.

i guess when you're going through a hard time, you don't know how to make yourself feel better...

i think for me, its good to just...sleep. sometimes.

College

Depressing! I feel dissapointed, my unwillingness to regret is battling my sadness and dissapointment in myself.

I didn't put my best effort into academics, which is why I'm second-guessing myself now.

I guess this is where i actually disagree with Rent...blasphemous, i know.

But i mean, to forget regret, isn't that running away from the problem? I guess it's unexplained or implied that you have to face it first? to better yourself, learn from the mistake. that's when you can really forget about it, after you've come to terms with it, and accepted your responsibility. delayed gratification is such a difficult concept... well, no its not, it's just hard to do given all the temptations that we are given through our lives. bleh.

adapt, improvise, overcome, right?

i hope its okay to be weak sometimes.

Life...

Can be lonely...sometimes.

Hiding from what...?

From facing your failure,
facing your loneliness
facing the fact you live a lie.
Yes, you live a lie tell you why
you're always preaching not to be numb
when that's how you thrive
you pretend to create and observe
when you really detach
from feeling alive.

you never know what you've got until its gone.
it's weird.
In 8th grade, i thought i wouldn't miss anyone. And I don't. But during the time, i did. for a while.
Now i feel that i've met people important enough to me, unique enough, that i might actually miss them. haha. strange, this emotion.

detached, much?

Story Time!

Chapter 1 - Courage.
There was this boy. He never had the courage to do anything he wanted to do. He would wait around after school and never talk to any girls, because he was so scared of rejection. He didn't try to approach people unless they were sad. He just wanted people to come to him. But one day he realized that if he kept this up his whole life, he would never get anywhere. He wouldn't get in any relationships, romantic or not. And the ones that mattered would be the ones he really had to try. One day, this boy was in the library. He had booked a room on the 6th floor. However, when he arrived at the room, there was already someone inside it. One of his friends decided to talk to the guys about it. They were cool with it, and moved rooms. Later that night, the boy asked himself why he didn't say anything to those guys? Why was he afraid of confrontation? Why would he always hold himself back by not doing what he really wanted to do, because he was afraid of an "awkward situation"? or rejection? It was because he was weak. However, he realized that, with enough will and effort, even a weak person can become strong. He decided that the next time he had an opportunity, he would take it. The next day, the boy stuck around a while after school. He said hi to some people, and talked a lot with this cute girl he was interested in. It wasn't much. But that night, as he lay in bed, he found that he could reflect upon that day with no regrets.

Surrounding Yourself with Inspiration

Goodbye Love

BAS #2 Goodbye Love from Rent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lImhMkCUKoU

I guess this BAS is more about my personal self, haha. Just wanted to blog because i have oh so much free time now. So, this is kinda something about myself! or my past. For all you people who are reading (with or without my knowledge) haha. Just don't spread the word about this if you're not supposed to be reading it, eh? :P

Spoilers! Somewhat. Not Really.
I guess this song is about, letting go of love that hasn't completely faded. Kinda hurts a bit. This reminds me of a manga I read today, Bitter Virgin. It's depressing. And reminded me about a lot of things.

I have these two plushies that hold a large importance to me. One of them is this gigantic white elephant, Lumpy! The other one is a normal-looking teddy bear, Thumble.

Both of these stuffed animals are momentos/reminders of the only 2 "relationships" I've had.
The first one (let's just call her Anna), Lumpy, didn't last very long. But it was kind of like a milestone for me. The first time a girl that I liked, liked me back. haha! i was carefree, happy, and somewhat naive back then. Anywho, after that ended, it was like...the end of an era in my life. I lost a lot of what i think was my "innocence". It was hard for me to get close to people again, and I was definitely pissed. I guess, in my world where everything had been so carefree and happy, reality finally struck. Kinda sucked. Haha. I know for sure, that in that point in my life, I lost something inside of me that made me able to think innocently. Now, at least, I have inner cynicism inside of me. haha. But, i guess it's made me more realistic, yeah? And more able to face reality. It helped me to begin the process of maturing, instead of being a child like before.

The second one, Thumble, is a reminder for me. To never forget the past. First relationship, that lasted for 9 months. I learned a lot, haha. In a sense, I gained a better sense of myself, and of the people i want to be with. I gained some juevos through it, that's for sure, haha. The relationship brought out the inner cynic in me, haha maybe developed from the first relationship. I felt brought down (sorry if you're reading this) by the constant insults, and pessimistic attitude. It was like swimming upstream against a river current. I had to get out. But I don't regret it. The past can be a powerful thing. And it has shaped me to be more prepared, more alert, and more safe when i do things, which can be a good and bad thing. However, it let me know that I can be happy... I kinda miss the feeling. haha!

In the end, I had to say goodbye to both relationships, for one reason or another. But i guess one thing that won't be leaving me is the memories, the experience, and the growth that i went through in each one. I hope i can experience more relationships in the future. And find that someone. haha and to grow more! that too, :B!

too much manga x]





Goodbye, Love. Goodbye, Love. Just came to say, Goodbye, Love... Hello.

i don't even want to change anymore... pointless shit.

Highlights

Life. Highlights, Total = 3


1. Academic Decathlon - Vindication to Parents, I am better than you think I am.
2. WYD 2008 - Vindication to Friends, You made a mistake, I am better than you think I am.
3. VSU Fashion Show 2009 - Vindication to Self. Never Ever Give Up. Stay Humble. Believe in Others.

Quotation from Online - "Fate is what is given to you. Destiny is what you do with it."

The show went well! It was all summed up in the text from Francis's Dad. haha, that text made me happy. x] the hardwork and effort finally pays off, like when An Truong said to me, "You redeemed me, Matt." I can do it. Never give up. Easier said then done? Yes. Better done than said? Yes. ;D In essence, I am proud of myself (trying to stay humble, but still). I'm proud I rose to the occasion, and did not need to yell at anyone. Stayed calm, and hopefully inspired a change in others. Glad that there weren't any super major criticisms of the show, and people were rarely bored. :)! i feel free. vindicated. I couldn't have done it without everyone's help. :D!

"You are destiny. Make things happen. Do good. Go make a difference." - L. Abadilla

abwork

ab work

boo

i went overboard again. everytime i think i fix a character flaw, new ones pop up. I guess these are all tests, right? overcome. I will change for the better. Trying to become a better leader.

too bossy. i'm losing my humility, but in a different way than before. I'm putting quality before the feelings of the members. I guess i can understand certain aspects of performance and why some changes have to be made for the performance quality... but you know, i think i can live with less quality. You know, it's not quality over quantity. it's more like... quality over REAL quality. haha. better to do it bad and be happy, then do it well and have a shitty time? not sure. in the end, if the show goes well, then people will be happy. balance... it's hard, haha, i can't please everyone. I feel like the one's from last year understand, because they had to deal with the harsh criticisms. But the newer ones say i'm too harsh. hm... less drilling, more breaks..

it's hard, no one really understand the pressure... but then again, i think i'm just putting too much pressure on myself because of my background... haha. we'll see.

Sigh

Life as it is right now...

-mad at judgmental friends, i thought friends wouldn't judge each other so much?
-currently in dilemma about prom GG. who to ask?
-the girl i like probably doesn't like me... que lastima.
-i feel like i'm out of the loop with everything. Looking at other people's facebooks and stuff, everyone is so active writing on walls and stuff, and I'm just really bad at keeping up with that stuff.... maybe because i'm lazy? or i don't care about the people i'm talking to? not sure. I'm jsut out of the loop because everyone is getting to know each other and i'm not really progressing forward with meeting new people and getting myself out there... maybe because I'm too shy when I first meet someone? I feel awkward. hmmm I should jsut be myself right? right. harhahrhar. GG insecurities
-Need to commit more to flock
-Fashion show is coming up... I'm worried, but i think things will work out. I've been irritable lately because i haven't been sleeping well because i haven't been prioritizing.
-After show I'll go to thursday practices for flock
-Join FEDs
-Make VSUL'D
-need to bring grades up, i really neeed to place more emphasis on school, and develop better habits
-moved rooms into the guest room. It's smaller
-i think i need to live more, and just be myself, instead of being so critical of myself all the time...
-which is a critical statement
-need to stop saying GG.
-other things i'm forgetting, but may come out later...

this felt strangely good o_O i guess i can see the appeal to blogging now... hahahhaa

darn! i wish the girl i like would like me :(! maybe she does. maybe i should jsut go for it. too bad i'm a wimp! hahahaha. i'm going to try to create more relationships! EFFORT COUNTS!

UGH.

I dissapoint myself. When did I become such a bad listener? I'm forcing it. I feel fake. blah. How to fix this new problem? Maybe actually acre about people... GG.

pet peeve

people who present things badly. if you have something to say to someone, you can be blunt. But don't be rude, and don't get their back up. It'll just make the situation worse if they're not mature enough to figure out that thats not what you mean to do. But seriously? I can't be honest anymore, i'm going inside. I'm going to will this shit. I don't care if it's the wrong way. determination, determination,determination. become legendary.

New

Catharsis.

I've decided to have ONE thing i wan work on at a time.
But i'll let myself go and do two things
One is physical, the other more on the emotional side.

This year I want to focus mainly on -> staying organized and managing my time well.
I also want to focus on -> becoming a better listener and keeping in contact with friends (use facebook!)

Other things i want to work on!
-Read more books
-Watch more movies
-Work on conversing better
-Become a better leader
-Take advantage of oppurtunities
-Live it up!
-Never say Never
-Always be happy
-Live well, Laugh often, and Love much
-Experience as many things as I can
-Never get discouraged
-Play to people's strengths
-Think of more things to work on!

Just something for those that check

I like quotations. And I ues them all the time.
Here's one that I'm proud of.

"If the window of oppurtunity closes on you, break it!"
-Matthew Nguyen

still needs some more thought to be put into it/edited ^___^!